Sunday December 30, 2001

I know this is probably illegal, but I just have to post this photograph. It's the wallpaper on my computer. If you desire any insight into what drives the construction of this website, nay, my very existence, a viewing of this cannot be left out. I can't take my eyes off it. What a tuches!

I just wrote an angry rebuttal to some no-taste doofuses stinking up the Internet Movie Database concerning a film I saw tonight. It's called "In The Bedroom" and it's very very good. The movie, I mean.

Saturday December 29, 2001

This is only gong to be interesting to my friend Jason Lewis but I spent all night getting up to date on web video compression. I was happy to discover that a new open source codec called VP3 is kicking some ass. (I probably won't be using it on but I almost did) I tested it out and it competes nicely with the new version of Sorenson Pro. Neither are as good as Windows Media but... I just had too many problems trying to get my "artist" friends with their Macs using WMV.

So I’m gonna upgrade the video one more time on my site. The new SV3.1 codec will allow me to go 640x480 at the same size or to halve the size of all my files, making the easer to download. I think I’m gonna go for the bump in quality. I also discovered a new version of Cleaner 5.1 that should make things a little less buggy. Things are looking better in computerland. Now if only it would stop raining so I can make my skate video.

Friday December 28, 2001

The latest installment of the Aquarius Records new releases email just came out and it prompted me to look at the little film series being done on that wonderful little store. So far I think #6 and #8 are my favorites. #6 has John Dwyer and Shef, two local legends and buddies of mine and 8 has Windy being super cute and saying, "I am not a *fashion* *diva*. Neither of those words applies to me." Muahahahaha.

Anyhow, Aquarius has been single-handedly running my musical tastes for the last 5 years and I couldn't be in better hand. It's the best store I've ever been in.


Thursday December 27, 2001

Don't rub black shoe polish around your eyes. I did it last night (was in mourning) but I wanted to take it off before I went to bed. Looks like its oil-based and won't come off with soap and water. I had to dig under my sink and find a leaky jar of brush cleaner that my old oil-painting girlfriend left there about 7 years ago and smear the brown goo on my eyes to get them clean.

Ok, that's the last post I'm making. Time for bed.

So, I'm a little puzzled by this. I mean, it's a run-of-the-mill sort of thing, happens to everyone, but after I threw up this answering machine message, like, the first message I get is this one. It sounds like someone I know but I can't be sure. Is it a prank or did the machine actually make it though my gauntlet?

(Inspiration for my greeting comes from Amy Balkin's machine.)

Coming Home, Sitting On My Bed. 6:14am
:08 seconds
or download 400kb

Wednesday December 26, 2001

Hello? Central Services? I'm at 579B Block 19, Northwestern Section D. That's exit 1 on Green Pastures Highway at the Orange Blossom flyover and I've got trouble with my air conditioning. It's an emergency. I've got to have a heating engineer.

Thank you for calling Central Services. I'm sorry, due to temporary staff shortages, Central Services cannot take service calls centrally between twenty three hundred and o nine hundred hours. Have a nice day. This has NOT been a recording.

This is an emergency!

Thank you for calling Central Services. I'm sorry, due to

Look, I've got to have a heating engineer.

Thank you for calling Central Serv

Awwww Shoot. Click!

Get In, Get Out
:04 seconds
or download 400kb





Hello Mr. Lowry.

Yes, who is this?

Put the phone down and raise your hands.

Wha, what is this?

Harry Tuttle, Heating Engineer at your service.

Tuttle? Are you from Central Services? I called Central Services.

Well, they're a little overworked these days. Luckily I intercepted your call.

What was that business with the gun?

Just a precaution. I've had traps set for me before now. There are plenty of people in Central Services that would love to get their hands on Harry Tuttle.

Are you telling me that this is illegal?

Well, yes and no. Officially, only Central Services operatives are supposed to touch this stuff, (would you hold this please) but nowadays, with all the new rules and regulations, they can't get decent staff any more. So they tend to turn a blind eye as long as I'm careful. Mind you, if they could prove that I'm working on their equipment, well, that's a pipe of a different color.

Listen, this whole system of yours could be on fire and I couldn't even so much has turn on a kitchen tap without filling out a 27B/6.

Bloody paperwork. Heh.

I...I suppose one has to expect a certain amount?

Why? I came into this game for the action. The excitement. Go anywhere, travel light, get in, get out, wherever there's trouble, a man alone.

Now they got the whole country sectioned off. You can't make a move without a form.

Tuesday December 25, 2001

This is all the shit I regularly do to my computing environment when I start using a new OS. In this case, the new OS is Windows XP.

I usually have to do about 10 minutes of tweaking to get Microsoft's user interface to behave and for some reason I'm sharing this with the rest of the world. Next week will be an instructional video of how I tie my shoes.

Open explorer and go to > View and set it to "Details" and extend the size of the name column to something reasonable.

Then in Tools > Folder Options
Use windows classic folders. This disables most of the geewhiz features of XP but they're redundant, oversized and basically annoying to a non-idiot.
View Tab >
Uncheck Display Simple folder view
Uncheck Hide extensions for known file types
Uncheck Remember Each folder's view settings

Check display the contents of System folders
Check Show hidden files and folders

In Folder Views click Apply to All Folders

Start Menu:
Right click the start button and choose properties
Click Customize for the start menu and choose Small Icons
Put about 10 items in the programs list
In advanced Uncheck Highlight newly installed programs
In start menu items I Display Admin tools on the All Programs menu

Internet Explorer:
IE> tools> options >advanced
Uncheck Reuse windows for launching shortcuts.
Check Use inline auto complete
Check Don't display online media in the media bar

Customize toolbars (right click on toolbar) with no text labels, small icons, remove unnecessary icons, like print, edit, media and favorites.
Unlock toolbars and drag the address bar up to the top alongside the File, Edit menu bar. Remove links toolbar, install Google toolbar (without advanced features and without text labels), drag it next to the standard buttons underneath menu and address and lock the toolbars.

Display properties:
No screen saver (power management blanks screen)
Appearance> silver color scheme > advanced > reduce title bar to 20 pixels

Oh, and to get rid of that annoying click every time you click on a link in a web page, go to the Sounds control panel and scroll down until you see "Start Navigation" and assign the [none] sound to it.

If y'all really like to tweak the funky beats, try Tweak-XP.


Sunday December 23, 2001

I'm a search data geek. And who's the baddest motherfuckin searchengine aroooound? Google. That's who. An' who comes next? Iron Maiden. Err, check out the Google Zeitgeist for the year end tallies.

Fight Fight Fight Parry Parry Parry

When you first started off, you walked downstairs and 3 Kobolds killed your party. You used all the Katino's and Dios's you had (2?) but it wasn't enough. Back to Gilgamesh's Tavern and Boltac's Trading Post to make another party.

As you were mapping out the 20x20 grid of the first level on computer graph paper, Calfo'ing those chests, you stumbled upon a secret room and fought Murpy's Ghost. If you managed to kill him, and kill him over and over again, you got some real XP's and some real spells, like Mahalito. The game really started when you got Mahalito. Soon you upgraded to Dalto, Madalto and finally, Tiltowait. Tiltowait was a very powerful spell for a 12 year old.

Beware when opening web pages dedicated to the game, like those in the webring, many are trapped with annoying, poisonous MIDI music that plays on in the background while you hurriedly try to get information off it. Like this one, the pages are gushingly sweet, imbued with the same "Stand By Me" brand of nostalgia for endless summer days and nights in front of the old Apple II. I can't express how obsessive I was about getting Werdna's amulet.

I don't remember how I stumbled on the Bishop identify cheat but I can remember doing it and then being really bummed that I couldn't take my buffed up characters into Wizardry III. How did me and Mondo figure that cheat out when there weren't any gaming webpages, weren't any BBS's, weren't any magazines, weren't nothing? It was the first thing that I cared enough about to hack. You could make save games and copy your characters though a little trick with the scenario disk. Wizardy 8 is out now and it's sparking a new round of nostaglia. Eh, whatever. I'd rather play Wizardy I than 8 anyday.

Tuesday December 18, 2001

This is a home movie that John Freeman made. It's his first one. John wrote it, directed it, and did the cinematography. I produced and edited it and did the casting and special effects.

:44 seconds
or download 1.6 megs

Ok everybody, check out "Moving Sale". It's a new 'piece' of Internet Art by me. I didn't take the photos (although I wish I had) or write the web page, you know-- it's found art. When Marcie was looking for a refrigerator, she called me in to look at this one. I was dumbstruck by its beauty. Actually I wasn't dumbstruck; I screamed, "Now THAT is great photography. THAT should be in a museum." (and people, if you think I'm kidding, you can think again)

So I've tried to do my part to preserve it. I copied the whole thing off the free webhost that they used and I've given it a permanent home here on Names changed to protect the innocent (them) and the not-so-innocent (me).

Wednesday December 12, 2001

As mentioned in this post, I bought this keychain because the guy was going to cry, fiending like a junky and I wanted to get the fuck outta there. This is my friend John demonstrating its functionality. I just want to mention that John is a suprisingly well adjusted adult and a great human being.

Khajuraho Keys
:30 seconds
or download 880kb

If you were to go around the clock face of my surroundings and if you were to start at 9 o'clock, you would see my mouse. But that's normal. What you would see at 10 is an ashtray. A sleek little one but still, a dirty little ashtray. At 11, a can of *Fresh Country Breeze* Deodorizing Air Freshener (when I spray it on the heater I can replicate my own little clothes-dryer exhaust smell) at 11:30, a hotel sized bottle of Neutrogena Lotion. At 12, that's the screen, has to be there. At 1, the new Smog CD, at 2, an empty glass that was engraved with "David" and handed to me at my sister's wedding with dried chocolate milk and a spoon inside. At 3, a fresh pack of Export "A" golds. At 4, a trashcan with cig packs, PayDay candybar wrappers and burrito foil, at 5, recycling strewn about my kitchen floor: Becks bottles, Bud cans, Coke 2 liter and Newcastle Bottles. Too many to count. Should I go on? Not worth looking over my left shoulder.

That's it. My work environment. You get the picture.

The funniest, most luvable gap-tooth crack whore.

I said, as I tossed my beer and soup on the counter, "Are you this evening's entertainment? Cause it looks like you firmly established in front of this counter here." Now, I have to say that there have been many uneventful evenings at this particular 2am liquor store. I mean, how many times do you wake up in the morning and remember the brushin you gave your teeth the night before? Not very much. So I shouldn't act as if it happens every time I go down there, but damn, if I haven't had some fine ghetto strolls and ghetto rolls down to my 2am liquor store.

I don't even remember what the fuck she said after that. After that there was always 5 people talking at once. And that's pretty bad 'cause there was only 3 of us there. Me. Her. And the liquor store dude. But this aint your regular me, and this aint no regular her, and this aint not regular liquor store man. This me was stoned off my fothermuckin ass, and this her looked like James Earl Jones's "Thusa Doom" from _Conan the Barbarian_. And this liquor store man smiles at you when you come into the store and beams out from behind the counter like the sun on a box of raisins.

I made that comment about the entertainment because I was wonderstruck that there could be a new act in town to entertain our liquor store guy. I once saw these two old men do 20 minutes in front of the counter -- using the bags of chips as props, pulling out old vaudeville gags, and generally just trying to out shout each other to the point of drowning out the talk radio shouting match blaring on in the background. I know those guys are old and they can't do 5 nights any more but where's the loyalty?

If anybody reading this, by the slim chance has lived around 18th and Valencia for the last 5 years or has shopped at Busy Bee Market near said intersection during the 90's, or maybe frequented the Douvre Club in its waning days, you might know who I'm talking about. He's an old wiry Indian guy who shakes your hand frequently and firmly (ex Indian military....mercenary, I hear) and smells strongly of aftershave. (If you engaged him in conversation, you will know how hard he is to say goodbye too.)

I might as well make him a cult hero of my life. That's exactly what he is. Always showing up at auspicious moments. Sort of like a character in one of those dumb books like "The Alchemist". He bows his head forward and his upper lip stretches tautly across his gums, teeth blaring and looking over his glasses he thrusts out a jagged, crooked finger, "IIIIIIIII could have told you. For I knew it was........onlyamatteroftime."

So this turned out to be a not so well narrated story of my super ghettoette liquor store. I didn't even say anything about the movies I didn't make of the "5.99 Out The Door" signs on the beer coolers. Or the fact that this woman was so perfect that she reminded me of Damon Wayans doing a TrannyCrackWhore version of this woman making fun of herself version of this woman. lips like I haven't seen pink since they came out with the 64-color box of crayons with the built-in sharpener. Well, missed all that.

Did get John espousing on Orange. Soon coming to a Quicktime enabled browser near you. I also saw where they spay painted on the sidewalk some shit about one of there friends who got killed on that corner and some kid was tagging a building as I walked by and that Thulsa Doom woman was "free and available" as her pimp told me. (He knows I'd never take her off his hands doesn't he? I mean, he does want her gone but he knows me, right? He's just saying that stuff to remind me that she's a whore and to be ignored.)


Sunday December 2, 2001

My week with the Mobile Insights people is almost over. We're at the Phoenix airport. I didn't take pictures of the conference schwag ooooh I love it how planes take off sharply and seemingly go right overhead. Actually it's best at the San Jose airport. So I didn't find time to photograph my stuff and I woulda done it this morning but I filled the Microdrive in my camera up with videos of me golfing and the crazy drunken antics of the MI team.

Just then, as I was writing that recap paragraph, and trying to get some 10meg USB storage key thing working that Alan gave me, I had a major emergency. I rebooted my laptop because the key wasn't showing up and it came up with just a small iconified man's head in the notification bar and the hard drive was crankin' and I had no desktop and I was pretty sure that I had a virus or I'd been hacked. Killing processes doesn't stop it and I'm thinking it's deleting all my files. I hold my finger on the power button and "ptwooooo" it's off.

Left my laptop open on the internet for a whole week last week. That was stupid now that I look back on it. I blocked ports 80, 21 135-9 for all the PC's on the net but I guess they got through some other way. Don't know what the hack was. I guess I'll never know because I rolled my system back to the 24th of November (XP is cool this way) and now it's all gone. Done. But scary.

I've always thought that virus software was the biggest virus ever, but you gotta have some kind of firewall and that virus stuff nowadays because email and DSL lines have made a rich soil for those overly smart teenage boys to play in.